Thursday, July 23, 2009

And more Freedom...

Enjoying Annalise's fifth birthday at Wilton Mall.
When last I wrote, I was describing the freedom we've begun to explore here. I'd meant to return within a few days with details on how the changes we've made have affected our lives.

One of the new freedoms I'm practicing these days is freedom from comittments that really aren't - those things each of us takes on or assumes we must do, although the assumption is only our own.

And so I freed myself to live my life for a bit without writing about it.

 I also write fiction for my own amusement, and the kids and I have been busy with a variety of projects at home and out. It's birthday season, for us, with the attendant whirlwind of excitement. Jim and I are nearing our anniversary, and really enjoying our life.

 Our life needed me.

I'm glad I took that time. The freedom I was writing about at the beginning of the month has deepened, taken firmer root. Like a seedling, it is growing, thriving, and becoming more itself's growing here in our lives - and in my own soul.

Life isn't perfect. Life isn't. What it is is freeing and joyful, swirly and playful, fun and chaotic - and just so damned good that I - me!! - walk around picking up debris and maintaining with a huge grin on my face! I sing for joy and laugh out loud even if I'm all alone. I revel in the mess, because it's part of these people that I love...and they just wouldn't be them without it.

Her very own copy of the Koko's Kitten documentary brings birthday joy!

I've spent the last two days essentially doing exactly as I pleased. A little housekeeping, a lot of time with the kids, some for myself. Coffee, conversation, and romance with Jim. The kids did as they pleased, with me, with each other, and alone. They had their weekly Daddy Night with Jim. Life flowed easily, and so did we.

I'm beginning to see that all our days could be more like this. Letting go of what isn't important is all it takes.

Doing things out of obligation isn't important to me, anymore. Being in control, ordering my children's lives  to fit them comfortably into my life, isn't, either. Remembering that we share our home with two very unique young individuals is. Watching them become, not who I want them to be, but who they are, is. Being here, with them, as they explore their passions, is.

Seeing their faces glowing with delight, and the increasing kindnesses they show, the quick soothing of tempers with understanding, rather than the smoldering heat of angry frustration...that is freedom, and joy.
Figuring out how to run the ride - together.

This is evolution, for our family. It's lifelong, because it is life. We're not turning back, because that's not how evolution works. This is better. It works for us. Life is alive and alight with beauty, and passion, and laughter.

Right now, I feel something vast and wonderful opening up before us. I can't quite see it, yet. But it's like the Grand Canyon on a starless night. I can't see it, but I can feel it, and I know it's there.

I am the navigator of my family's journey, and I'm freely tending to that. It's the coolest thing I've ever done, and it deserves my full and best attention.

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